A Week In My Life (Might 2023)

It’s been a very long time since I did a Week In My Life submit however I assumed they’d be enjoyable to revisit. I don’t actually have typical weeks anymore – each single one seems completely different with the entire various things I’m doing and experiencing – however I assumed that may add to what makes them fascinating; the format stays the identical however the contents will at all times be utterly completely different. This was an excellent busy week as a result of, on the Monday morning after it ended, I used to be flying out to Germany so I needed to get plenty of stuff accomplished; there might be no placing it off and my ADHD mind didn’t like that. So it was worrying and busy and chaotic however there have been additionally some actually cool, enjoyable, joyful moments too. So it was an fascinating one to report.

The week in this submit began on Monday twenty second Might and ended on Sunday twenty eighth Might.

MONDAY

I used to be up at eight thirty and just about straight out to the hairdressers to have my hair colored in preparation for going to Germany (I’d had it lower the week earlier than). I discover it takes a number of days to settle, for the sharp traces to melt and the colors to mix collectively properly. I get so used to seeing it pale (as a result of it’s costly to get redone – I usually high it up out of a field however wanted it to look notably good on this event so didn’t) that seeing it recent and daring is surprising, in the easiest way. I like it; it seems superb each time and I can’t consider that I ever thought-about doing one thing completely different with it (aside from wanting blue hair as a result of who doesn’t). It makes me really feel a lot extra assured; it makes me really feel like me.

Again residence, I received caught into some admin work. It took plenty of effort as a result of my mind actually didn’t need to do it however I received the mandatory emails despatched, submitted my Amanda Tapping story for her livestream (which I wrote about in my final submit in case you missed it), did some diary catch up, and labored on a number of upcoming weblog posts. I really feel like there may be by no means any time to breathe anymore, like I’m at all times solely simply maintaining so there isn’t even a second to cease and suppose earlier than transferring onto the subsequent factor. It’s actually stressing me out.

Once I had a quick have a look at social media, Twitter particularly, due to it being Psychological Well being Consciousness Week, all I noticed have been the standard imprecise platitudes, company statements that didn’t imply something, and footage of the royals going to varied occasions. The entire thing infuriated me and I began ranting, tweet after tweet till the thread was barely coherent and I almost posted it however then I ended and considered what I used to be doing. The ideas have been rushed and annoyed, it’s really easy be taken out of context when you’ve so few characters, and Twitter is usually a fairly poisonous place. So I saved the tweets and resolved to elaborate on the ideas in a greater medium, like this weblog (which I did and it changed into this submit.)

I spent the night packing since I used to be going to London the subsequent day after which went to mattress comparatively early for me, round midnight. However sadly, I couldn’t sleep, regardless of doing all the pieces that often helps (a routine I’ve lengthy since refined); I couldn’t appear to chill out, my complete physique shaking. I used to be nonetheless awake at 4, virtually vibrating with pressure at the same time as I attempted to chill out sufficient to sleep. I’ve had sleep paralysis earlier than and it wasn’t that so I don’t know what was happening; I simply stored discovering my jaw clenched, my palms in fists, and even my toes curled. It was hideous and exhausting.

TUESDAY

I struggled up at 9 thirty, received myself showered and dressed, and settled on the couch with my laptop computer. I had some extra admin work to do, extra emails to ship, and so I labored by that checklist earlier than taking a break and scrolling by social media for a little bit bit. Then I spent a number of hours engaged on weblog posts and an educational paper about Taylor Swift’s songwriting that I needed to submit earlier than I left for Germany; the paper itself was already written however I had an inventory of edits to work on plus two rerecordings and a brand new album to combine into the prevailing related components of the paper. I don’t imply to be so cryptic however I don’t need to speak an excessive amount of concerning the specifics of it till there’s extra certainty surrounding the venture; it nonetheless feels very up within the air, to me no less than. However possibly that’s simply because it’s the primary time I’ve accomplished something like this.

Mid-afternoon, I had remedy. I don’t need to get too deeply into what we talked about; that could be very private in spite of everything. However we did discuss the entire issues I needed to do earlier than leaving for Germany, in addition to how I used to be going to deal with the journey to Germany itself. Typically my therapist brings a good friend’s canine together with her, which is at all times a bonus. I like her and he or she loves me and we now have some nice cuddles, that are superb for balancing out a number of the arduous stuff we discuss. However no such luck that day (it’s advantageous although – it’s not like I am going for the canine). We completed on time and I managed to get to the station in time to catch my practice. It isn’t a protracted journey however I crammed the time, engaged on weblog stuff. I needed to make each minute depend with a lot to do earlier than the week ended and I headed off to Germany.

I received off the practice at Victoria station to a really unusual sight. I’d paused a number of toes past the barrier to rearrange a number of the stuff in my palms and pockets and noticed a person standing with a wheelchair and a canine. As I stood there, he inspired the canine into the wheelchair and it jumped up, turning round and sitting down prefer it knew precisely what to do. After which, out of his pocket, this man pulled a lizard – a bearded dragon, possibly – and positioned it on the canine’s again. Once more, it was like each of those animals had accomplished this 100 instances and knew precisely what they have been alleged to do. And off all of them went, the person pushing the 2 of them within the wheelchair. It was so surreal to witness. I received the remainder of my stuff rearranged and headed for the tube station, fascinated that no person else appeared to have discovered this a wierd second to be current for. However then it’s London, I suppose; everybody could be very ‘keep in your lane.’ The entire scenario was simply so weird and I used to be very conscious that I used to be in all probability watching one thing that I’d by no means see once more.

Normally I stick with one in every of my dad and mom once I do an in a single day in London however she already had somebody staying so there wasn’t room for me. I ended up staying with household associates – as did my Mum truly since she was was working in a faculty in London, beginning early the subsequent morning – which was very nice as a result of I hadn’t seen them for ages. So it was very nice to catch up. We have been all drained and had early begins so we didn’t final lengthy (and needed to create a schedule to get everybody out and in of the lavatory to ensure that everybody to go away on time, which I don’t suppose I’ve needed to do since I used to be a youngster in secondary faculty). It took me some time to decompress and fall asleep but it surely was nonetheless fairly early by my requirements, thank goodness.

WEDNESDAY

I needed to rise up at half six to prepare, which is most undoubtedly the earliest I’ve needed to rise up in years. I had a bathe, received prepared, had some breakfast, and headed for the underground. An organisation I’m part of, The F Listing, which helps feminine and gender minority researchers in music analysis, notably analysis that helps gender equality in music and music analysis was holding an occasion, The F Listing Gender in Music 2nd Annual Analysis Hub Convention, at my college and I used to be eager to be taught as a lot as attainable – my mind finds studying new issues positively addictive, one thing that I don’t suppose is rare for individuals with ADHD – even when I used to be a bit nervous about how lengthy I may keep focussed for. However thankfully that wasn’t too dangerous they usually’d made lodging for anybody who wanted them, though they have been very neurodivergent sounding lodging (because it turned out, there have been so many neurodivergent individuals there that I used to be beginning to marvel if we have been all members of the membership). As they mentioned on their web site: “The F-Listing Analysis Hub goals to increase and higher introduce the prevailing feminist and interdisciplinary collective of researchers, devoted to evidence-led activism which goals to create an atmosphere by which girls and gender expansive individuals within the music industries will have the ability to extra efficiently begin and maintain their music careers for longer.” And the theme was ‘identification’: “Identification is a central theme in feminist analysis, which sees ‘who we’re’ intimately entangled with ‘what we analysis.’ The definition above is intentionally broad and (we hope) inclusive to all who search to analysis gender points in music.“

They ended up asking me to jot down the weblog submit for the occasion, which was actually thrilling. I’d be taking notes all day anyway so I simply added some additional notes about how the occasion labored, how everybody socialised, how issues felt, with the intention to some up the day precisely. We got here up with a plan for what the weblog would deal with and the way lengthy it could be and I performed round with it in my head as listened to the speeches and shows.

Professor Sophie Daniels, one of many administrators of The F Listing, the pinnacle of the songwriting program at ICMP, and my tutor for years, gave the keynote speech, which was actually cool. That is what I wrote for the F-Listing weblog as a result of I’m unsure I may say it higher: “After a little bit of mingling, the day started with the Keynote speech from Professor Sophie Daniels, the place she mentioned, amongst different issues, her profession within the music business, her founding of the songwriting program at ICMP, her artist venture, Liberty’s Mom, and it’s related advocacy work, in addition to her analysis into why we write songs. I first met Sophie in 2014 and he or she was my trainer on and off for seven years whereas I studied at ICMP; so whereas I knew a lot of what she was sharing, it was actually insightful to listen to it introduced this manner, by the lens of feminism, notably within the music business and music schooling. Sophie has at all times impressed and supported me – as a songwriter, an artist, a researcher, a psychological well being and Autism advocate, and, finally, as an individual – and so it was very particular to observe her give the Keynote speech.” And it was: it was actually particular. I’ll by no means get uninterested in listening to ‘I Can Love You From Right here.’ It makes my coronary heart ache now simply because it did once I first heard it eight years in the past.

It was plenty of info however the shows have been quick, about fifteen minutes every, which was the size for my ADHD mind and each was actually fascinating; I don’t know if it’s the neurodivergent mind however studying new issues is at all times enjoyable for me. The subjects ranged from Trans and Non-binary inclusion within the music business to help for these with ADHD within the music business to exploring black feminism within the music business to investigating the interwar era of girls composers on the Royal School of Music, in addition to a dialog with the CEO of the Unbiased Society of Musicians. At one level, she talked about how badly the humanities are handled and the way they’re so necessary as a result of they offer life that means: “They lie on the coronary heart of what it means to be a human being.”

Oh, and I vastly loved being launched to this track…

I discovered all of it fascinating – I actually did – (though I did want a while within the quiet house as a result of it was plenty of info and plenty of noise) however I believe I used to be most engaged by the shows on help for neurodivergent people within the music business, by the one on the rising developments within the careers of girls within the music business, and the one investigating the interwar era of girls composers on the Royal School of Music. I did ponder whether my Granny would truly be a part of that group however once I labored it out, I realised that she wouldn’t have enrolled till after the top of the interval of research. It could’ve been so weird if her identify had appeared in that analysis.

When the shows completed, we congregated within the connected cafe to socialize and community, which changed into a commemorate Tina Turner dance social gathering, which was a enjoyable if weird method to finish the day. It was arduous to go away: it was such a pleasant group of individuals plus I used to be dreading the lengthy journey residence. Nevertheless it was day; I realized rather a lot, I fell into some actually cool alternatives, and frolicked with associates, previous and new.

I did ultimately make my method to the station and catch a practice residence. My Mum very kindly picked me up – I used to be past exhausted from a lot standing and socialising and focussing all day – and once I received residence, I went straight to mattress. I had a have a look at social media for some time, decompressing from the surface world, earlier than going to sleep round one, which isn’t dangerous for me in the intervening time.

One of many alternatives that got here out of the day was the prospect to do the write up – a weblog submit – of the day. You’ll find that right here.

THURSDAY

I spent most of Thursday at my laptop computer, engaged on my Taylor Swift paper. I used to be actually on a roll; I felt just like the Kermit the Frog at a typewriter meme. I had already been writing and making progress with it however I hadn’t actually managed to get on a roll till that morning and having lastly hit my stride, I used to be having a blast. I used to be increasing on concepts already current within the paper and constructing in new ones; the one downside was that I used to be simply growing the phrase depend and the duty of chopping it down was looming. However I used to be having fun with the enjoyable components whereas they lasted and I vaguely resented being interrupted once I needed to exit.

It’s been a extremely very long time since I had my final appointment with my psychiatrist, though we’ve stayed in contact. He was in a brand new workplace – with a stunning view of each the Downs and the ocean – and it was a lot nicer than the final one, which had felt extremely medical and sterile. I like this one much more. And, within the ready room, there was a portray that I immediately fell in love with: a seascape by an area artist referred to as Sara Hill. I’d like to personal one thing like this, to get to have a look at it on a regular basis. It was utterly attractive and I discovered it very soothing to have a look at, which I suppose is becoming for a psychiatric workplace.

The appointment went nicely. My psychiatrist and I talked by my expertise with the Phenelzine and what has improved and what’s nonetheless a battle. I’d needed to debate growing the dosage, which we did. It had been an excessive amount of final time – I felt very overstimulated the entire time – however I assumed that, on condition that I’ve been making an attempt to climb out of a deeper, darker place, the next dose could be what I wanted to make it that additional distance. We talked by that concept – and the way a lot I need to write extra once more, which I simply haven’t been in a position to – and he agreed. And, proving how nicely he is aware of me in spite of everything of this time, he recommended we decide the effectiveness by how a lot I’m writing. Sounds good to me.

Again residence, I attempted to re-harness my earlier deal with my paper and whereas it wasn’t fairly as efficient, I did handle to get one other good chunk of labor accomplished. I even had a while to do a little bit of weblog writing since I doubted I’d have a lot time to jot down whereas in Germany, I wanted to have one thing ready for the Saturday on the finish of the journey. By the point I went to mattress, I used to be utterly exhausted and my mind felt vaguely like I’d put it within the microwave for too lengthy.

FRIDAY

Regardless of going to mattress so late, I used to be in a position to drag myself up early for a vital Zoom name. I don’t need to discuss who it was with and what it was about but, not till issues are extra sure. Nevertheless it was a really thrilling name and, all being nicely, some superior life issues will come out of it. That’s all I’ll say for now.

I didn’t have lengthy till my subsequent Zoom name so I spent about ninety minutes or so engaged on weblog stuff. I simply wanted some decompression time and I discover weblog submit writing very soothing for some motive; I believe it simply permits my mind to show over an thought, again and again and over till it is sensible, and getting the phrases right into a satisfying rhythm.

I had a very nice Zoom name with one in every of my finest associates, Dan, and we ended up speaking for about two hours. We will discuss something, from films to the actually large stuff in our lives, and we are able to speak for days with no need a break; we are able to simply go off on these tangents that go on for hours after which we ultimately backtrack to our authentic dialog matter, solely to go off on one other tangent. We now have rather a lot in widespread and we now have a lot enjoyable collectively. At one level, we tried to determine how we turned associates – having met on the MA – however we couldn’t: it appears that evidently we each thought we have been already associates and simply skipped the entire ‘changing into associates’ a part of the friendship, which is definitely fairly on model for us now that we’re actually good associates. I do not know if that makes any sense however that’s how it’s.

We hung up in order that I may prepare and go to remedy. Once more, I don’t actually need to speak intimately about what we mentioned however, basically, we talked about going to Germany, the issues I used to be anxious about, and the way I’d handle them. I wasn’t feeling too confused (which turned out to be ridiculous as a result of I discovered the entire journey extremely worrying) so it wasn’t too dangerous.

Once I got here out of remedy and checked my telephone, I noticed that Taylor Swift had made an announcement, the discharge of Midnights (The Late Night time Version) and the brand new track, ‘You’re Shedding Me.’ Somebody had already shared it on-line. Had the track been launched someplace the place I may hearken to it legally the place Taylor would receives a commission for my buy or stream, I completely would’ve accomplished so – I’ve at all times felt very keen about that – however because it’s solely out there on a CD one should purchase at tour dates, I don’t really feel dangerous listening to it on-line. And what a track it’s; it instantly joined my 2023 in Songs submit as a result of I like it a lot, particularly the lyrics. I’ve talked about it extra there (I’ll add the hyperlink when that submit goes up in December) however the ongoing medical imagery is heartbreaking, the best way the bridge simply retains constructing is one in every of my favorite Taylor methods, and the imagery within the lyrics all had me completely hooked (I notably love “Keep in mind lookin’ at this room, we liked it ’reason for the sunshine / Now, I simply sit at the hours of darkness and marvel if it’s time,” “And I wouldn’t marry me both / A pathological individuals pleaser / Who solely needed you to see her,” and “Do one thing, babe, say one thing / Lose one thing, babe, threat one thing / Select one thing, babe, I received nothing / To consider / Except you’re choosin’ me / You’re losin’ me”). It’s a stunning, attractive track and weeks later, I’m nonetheless listening to it again and again. In order that was a second to have missed due to remedy.

Again residence, I went again to engaged on my paper. Considered one of my dad and mom stopped in for dinner and we had catch up earlier than I received again to work. Then I had some decompression time, writing extra of my Psychological Well being Consciousness Week weblog submit earlier than going to mattress.

SATURDAY

I spent the morning engaged on my paper earlier than catching a practice to London. I used the journey to maintain writing after which navigated the tube system to get to the Skinny Air exhibition at The Beams close to London Metropolis Airport. And it was completely gorgeous…

The exhibition was made up of a number of completely different rooms, designed by completely different artists or creative collaboration. I didn’t like all of them however of those I preferred, I completely liked:

• The primary was a hallway crammed with transferring lights and low frequencies. The lights have been mesmeric and the low frequencies felt heavy in my chest, which was a bizarre feeling: on the one hand, it felt a little bit like my chest was about to implode however on the opposite, it was like I may really feel each vibration within the room passing by my lungs. The outline at first of the piece learn,”In Cleanse/Mantra, laser mild travels down a hall at 11o Hz per second, which is a wavelength of just below 3 metres. As guests go by the set up, their viewing distance is sliced into even sections. This creates a visible mantra: a repeated sequence of waves, which improve in amplitude. 110 Hz is called the ‘human pitch,’ stimulating the proper aspect of the mind, the place artwork spirituality, and emotion are centred.” It was made by James Clar, an artist who works with mild and expertise with an curiosity in how new media applied sciences form human behaviour. Lots of his works play with notion utilizing sculptural components that seem to warp between dimensions, utilizing a variety of supplies and methods, similar to multi-channel video installations, lasers, LEDs, and 3D printed components. He combines these components to create advanced narratives that reference mythology and world historical past, whereas questioning our engagement with digital tradition.
• The second was a giant, warehouse like room the place crimson and white mild appeared to flash sporadically, plunging you into darkness as sporadically. It performed unusually along with your imaginative and prescient and the identical low, heavy frequencies pressed in on you regardless of the massive house; the distinction was very bizarre. I discovered it very compelling; I felt it drawing me in even because the stress of the low frequencies started to harm. The house was designed by404.zero, a collaboration between the artists Kristina Karpysheva and Alexandr Letsius. The duo specialises in real-time, generative, and code-based artwork, which is introduced in large-scale installations, efficiency and music. They mix noise with randomised algorithms to stimulate visceral and awe-inspiring reactions. Via their use of digital expertise, they query the facility buildings of the Anthropocene and world politics, revealing them as invisible but impregnable environments of the up to date situation. On their Instagram, they describe it by saying, “In our creative installations, we endeavor to eschew narrative descriptions, encouraging people to introspect moderately than depend on exterior interpretations. We problem guests to delve deeper into their very own perceptions and discover the depths of their private experiences!”
• The third of the rooms was an analogous warehouse-like room however with traces of lights throughout the ceiling, the lights dashing overhead nearly like vehicles on a street at evening or flashing on and off immediately. It was stunning, the colors altering; one in every of color combos caught out in my thoughts as a result of it jogged my memory of a lionfish. Across the room, there have been large bean luggage that you could possibly sit or lie on and search for on the lights. We ended up staying there for ages, despite the fact that the low frequencies of the room have been creating a lot stress in my physique. Whereas a part of me preferred that feeling, it did begin to really feel painful after some time; apart from that, it was extremely stress-free and I may’ve sat there for hours. It was referred to as Strains, made by S E T U P, a studio based by Znamensky Dmitry, Novikov Stepan, Zmunchila Pavel and Kochnev Anton in 2018, that works with mild, programming and sculpture to create installations that sharpen bodily notion, merging the traces between multimedia artwork, lighting & stage design, and efficiency programming.
• The fourth room was a lot smaller with a display on the ground that all of us stood round and watched because the factors of a number of lasers moved throughout the display as if carving out pathways in a panorama; they’d comply with the identical route however at all times barely completely different, just like the erosion of rivers constructed from mild. It was hypnotic and really soothing to observe; I may’ve watched it for hours had there been someplace to sit down. It was referred to as ‘Phosphor’ by Robert Henke and the outline learn: “In Phosphor, an ultraviolet laser paints momentary traces, on a layer of phosphorus. Retained for only a second, the traces are ever evolving, combining into marks that evoke pure patterns of abrasion.” Ha, I’d forgotten it mentioned that so the imagery it was making an attempt to evoke undoubtedly definitely labored. Anyway. Robert Henke is a digital artist who works with algorithmically generated photos, laser installations and early private laptop {hardware}. Additionally a co-creator of the cult music software program Ableton Dwell, Henke has redefined the best way we create and expertise digital music.
• And the final room that basically impressed me was one stuffed with crimson lasers that have been aimed across the room. The form of the house it created reminded strongly of being inside a circus tent. It was very surreal to maneuver by it since you stored anticipating to walked right into a fence – which the traces of sunshine seemed very very similar to – and bounce again however then, in fact, you moved by them. I had nice enjoyable pretending I had superpowers, pretending that I used to be creating the beams of sunshine. It was created by Matthew Schreiber and the outline learn: “A site-specific mild sculpture, Banshee 2023 responds to the quantity of the room it inhabits. The exact placement of lasers produces a sequence of geometric patterns frozen in house. Evoking the instruments of the leisure business and its manufacturing of spectacle, guests are invited to maneuver inside a static mild present, seeing it change as we shift our place within the room.” Matthew Schreiber is a multi-disciplinary artist finest identified for his large-scale laser mild sculptures, similar to this one and guests are sometimes invited to work together together with his work. Serious about how physics, expertise and notion can alter our expertise of the world, he reimagines mild and house to discover unseen forces.

It was actually cool and I’m actually glad we received to see it earlier than it closed (whereas we have been in Germany). I’d’ve stayed longer if I may’ve however I nonetheless had a lot to do they usually do encourage you to maintain transferring by the rooms.

Then it was again on the practice residence and despite the fact that I used to be exhausted, I continued engaged on the paper and on the upcoming weblog posts. I additionally managed to answer to a number of the messages I’d been unintentionally procrastinating, by chance pushing them again in favour of getting extra work accomplished. In order that felt like an achievement too. I used to be just about getting issues accomplished out of sheer willpower – one thing that completely doesn’t at all times work however did this time for some motive – which I used to be very relieved by. In fact, so happy to be on a profitable streak and unwilling to interrupt it, I ended up going to mattress a lot too late.

SUNDAY

It was a really purpose focussed day. I managed to get my weblog submit of the week – So That Was #MentalHealthAwarenessWeek… – accomplished and revealed comparatively early within the day after which I moved on to the piece about The F Listing convention. I had all of my notes from the precise day and I’d been making notes since then: ideas that felt necessary to incorporate, anecdotes that might make it extra private, and so forth. I received that accomplished mid afternoon, I believe, and despatched it off (they actually preferred it and it was revealed and shared just a few days later).

Afternoon and night, I packed for Germany. I used to be going to be there for every week however I’m a horrible packer – I simply discover it actually arduous. I’m wondering if that’s an ADHD factor, on condition that it’s an organisation and planning based mostly talent. Fascinating; I’d by no means considered that. I don’t know however presumably. I’ll have to perform a little research. Anyway, as I mentioned, I’m a extremely dangerous packer (I as soon as packed for 5 weeks in Australia two hours earlier than I left for the airport – the dread and procrastination have been so dangerous) so I struggled by that as a activity. Finally I received that accomplished, with in all probability far more than I’d want.

I spent the remainder of the night making an attempt to complete my Taylor paper. This edit was primarily completed – aside from one part, which I couldn’t work on till I received a number of the literature they’d promised to ship me (and now have despatched me) – but it surely was approach over the phrase restrict and, as arduous as I attempted, I couldn’t get it down with out chopping out important components of the both some extent I used to be making or the proof for it. However I stored making an attempt and making an attempt and making an attempt, in addition to tidying the entire thing up. Ultimately, round two within the morning, I made a decision that I’d ship it because it was and ask the organisers – all of them achieved teachers – for his or her recommendation on the phrase depend. I’ve by no means accomplished this earlier than however they’ve; hopefully they can assist me get it right down to the required size with out compromising the content material on the subsequent edit. So I ended at two and went to mattress, my laptop computer on the bedside desk in order that I may ship it very first thing within the morning.

It was a really anxious week: there was the stress of making an attempt to get all the pieces accomplished, the unknowns of the live performance, and the anxieties round going to Germany. It was arduous. Nevertheless it’s additionally very nice to be productive once more, to be working and producing, even when my psychological well being and neurodivergence do make {that a} battle generally; over the past couple of years, I’ve been so paralysed by my psychological well being issues – by my despair and anxiousness particularly – that I’ve barely been in a position to do something. So simply to do issues in any respect, not to mention the quantity of issues I’ve been doing, is form of superb to me.