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TW: Mentions of Trichotillomania, Dermatillomania, and self hurt.
During the last twenty months – the interval dominated by my newest depressive episode – my hair pulling has been a lot much less of an issue, one thing that tends to occur after I’m actually depressed; it’s like I’m too depressed to tug. I assume that’s one thing to be glad about whereas extremely depressed (scraping the barrel but it surely’s one thing, or no less than not nothing). However, over the previous couple of months, my hair pulling (and different BFRBs) have returned with fairly scary power.
As I mentioned, it’s been a very long time since I’ve been significantly pulling at my hair. However within the final couple of months, the urge has come roaring again with relentless depth. Whether or not that is related to beginning the Phenelzine once more, to starting the escape from The Nice Melancholy, or one thing else altogether, I don’t know but it surely’s a irritating and exhausting to be again right here once more, again to pulling a lot and so typically that I’ve fixed ache in my shoulder and arm. It hit me some time again that it’s going to, in a few months, be ten years since I began pulling, which has been a fairly overwhelming realisation – I by no means thought it will turn into such a everlasting a part of my life.
I additionally began selecting at my pores and skin, which isn’t one thing I’ve ever actually achieved and definitely to not the diploma that I pull my hair. Pissed off by the imperfections of my fingertips, I ended up compulsively chewing on the callouses that had not too long ago developed on my left hand (popping out of the despair, I’d began enjoying the guitar once more and the callouses on my left hand – my string hand – had begun to reform); it acquired so unhealthy and I’d gone by way of so many layers of pores and skin that I couldn’t contact something with out ache. How they healed, I don’t know. I used to be additionally selecting at my nails and the pores and skin round them. My fingers had been a multitude, uncooked and painful and I ended up going by way of a number of packs of plasters in my makes an attempt to cease. However, in fact, I’d begin selecting at them as quickly as I took the plasters off so that they actually did take ages to get better, and it was even longer earlier than I might play guitar once more.
And as if each of these behaviours weren’t sufficient, I used to be compulsively scratching at a half healed self hurt lower on my face. It had began to heal however then all of the sudden I couldn’t go away the scab alone, reopening the lower and ultimately making it greater and larger. I wasn’t attempting to cease it from therapeutic precisely however in my thoughts, the uneven, ‘imperfect’ edges wanted to be mounted and so I stored attempting to clean them out, make them neater, make them symmetrical, or… one thing. It’s fully illogical as a result of I used to be simply making it greater – simply making the wound worse (and at this level, it actually was a wound) – and extra more likely to get contaminated however I couldn’t assist it.
I simply couldn’t cease myself. I attempted so exhausting – attempting each technique I’ve ever used, each one I might discover on the web – however I nonetheless felt like I used to be dropping my thoughts – and I imply that actually – if I didn’t do it, a sense that acquired worse the longer I attempted to cease myself. In the long run, I at all times broke and my fingers discovered their manner again to whichever of the three was their favorite at that second in time. And it was at all times worse if I used to be additional drained or additional harassed. The one approach to in manner curb it – the behaviour if not the compulsion – was to cowl the pores and skin I used to be attacking, plasters over my fingers and a dressing throughout my face (that one was more durable and fewer snug to clarify). That didn’t cease me attempting, always twiddling with the perimeters of them, and my hair bore the brunt of that coping mechanism. I ended up shopping for a hat that I might tuck all of my hair beneath however even with all of that in place, the urge to tug or choose acquired so unhealthy generally that I merely gave in to it. Typically it was simply too exhausting.
(On the left: earlier than we discovered the right dressing // On the precise: within the early days after I’d solely chewed on two callouses)
Leap to a couple months later. My callouses lastly healed and, after a interval of utilizing the flawed sort of dressing earlier than switching to a greater one, my face recovered for probably the most half too though there’s nonetheless a scar. With these ‘imperfections’ ‘excellent’ once more, hair pulling has turn into the primary drawback once more. The urges are lower than they had been however nonetheless fairly relentless – maybe a facet impact of restarting the Phenelzine in spite of everything? – and I’m so fucking uninterested in the entire thing. I don’t know what to do, find out how to cease; I’ve seen so many individuals say that it’s not truly doable. However I don’t need to stay like this. As I mentioned, I don’t know what I’m going to do however I feel I would attempt hypnotherapy; I’ve heard that some folks have had constructive outcomes. So I assume we’ll see. Ten years is lengthy sufficient.
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